party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
4 words: hood of his car
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
it was like eating out sand paper
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Randomize
