My girlfriend figured out who you are.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
