Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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