I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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