My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
