There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
