I'm jealous of your bromance
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
