I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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