Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
