Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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