I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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