Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
