just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Congratulations! We have a period
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