she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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