girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
