Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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