I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
