sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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