just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
