The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
