and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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