my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
