Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
