Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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