I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
