there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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