I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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