I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
