I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
