you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
