I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm like, not good at living.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
