i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
