Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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