I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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