Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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