I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
