I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
