Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
