Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
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