i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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