so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
The Olympian is in my bed
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
