New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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