I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
