I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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