Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
