Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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