I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
