Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
