My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
