hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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