I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
