Who wears a wallet chain?!
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
