I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
