Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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