...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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