I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
