and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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